Too often we are scared, scared of what we might not be able to do, scared of what people might think if we tried, we let our fears stand in the way of our hopes. Why? There's really no time to be afraid. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Everything!” ~ unknown
It seems that every day I cry more and more. I cry myself to sleep at night and I wake up in tears. I cry at work and when I'm driving. Sometimes I even have to pull off the road I cry so hard. Is it the holidays that make it seem so much worse? Or am I just totally losing it all together? There are only 2 days left of this year and I'll be spending them alone. I can't stand the thought of spending them with someone else and trying to act like everything is ok. It's not OK!!!!!! I know it will be someday but today it's not ok.
Love & being loved to the depth of your spirit is what
gives meaning & purpose to life. When you have loved to
the full extent of your heart’s core, reach further &
find that you can love even more. This is the secret
of happiness. This is the way of the spirit. ~ Ham Seok-heon
"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So, plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure...that you really are strong, and you really do have worth." ~ Unknown
Today I picked up a kitchen table and chairs for my new place. Still not moving for a few months and don't know where to yet either. But the set was listed on "Freecycle" and is a really nice Farm table style set. I may strip it and re-stain the table top and chairs... still thinking on that one. Guess I'll decide when I find out where I'm moving to.
Things are moving forward. The divorce should be final in 6 to 8 weeks. Still have meltdowns but also starting to look forward to starting a new life.
"The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being." ~ Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama
Hugging is practically perfect: There are no movable parts, no batteries to wear out, no periodic check ups, low energy consumption, high energy yield, inflation proof, non-fattening, no monthly payments, no insurance requirements, theft proof, non-taxable, non-polluting and of course, fully returnable. ~ Unknown
This is one of my favorite local places to get back to nature. It's a State forest and only a few mile from my home. These pictures were taken two weeks ago right before the deer season started and it was still safe to walk in the woods with a camera. Now that it's deer season I have to be content with walks in the little woods behind my house and the creek bed on a nearby farm that doesn't allow hunters. I may drive a few extra miles this week to a State Park for a different view.
In the meantime the packing continues. I can't believe all of the "THINGS" I've accumulated in the 8 years we have lived in this house! I'll be making another drive to Goodwill today with another sizable donation. It feels good to "cleanse" myself from so many useless "THINGS" that have cluttered up my life. What a pack rat I have become.
I'm also considering trying my hand at making some simple furniture for my new home. I have this really cool old wood window that I picked up at a yard sale 6 years ago and I want to make a display case for my paper mache art collection. We'll see just how handy I really am :)
Today I started packing. I thought it would be hard..but it's not. I'm not moving out for a few months but I don't want to wait until the last minute. This also gives me time to sort and throw out and donate. A cleansing of sorts.
Last night he came home with divorce papers to go over. I wasn't expecting it so soon and it really threw me for a loop. Just when I thought I was starting to get a handle on everything something else throws me off balance again.
Today we have a meeting to try to come to some conclusion on who gets what and who will pay for what. This will be hard. I love this house and my gardens but there is no way that I will be able to afford it so we either sell it or he buys me out. With the house market the way it is right now I might as well let him buy me out at least that way I can get my money and go on with life.
I've been blindsided by a personal crisis this month that has left me devastated and forced to recreate my whole existence and way of thinking.
After 16 years my husband has decided he no longer wants to be married.
I will be losing the love of my life, the home of my heart and the garden of my joy, and starting over from scratch.
The past two weeks have been an emotional storm like no other I have ever endured. I have ranted and raved, cried and pleaded and lost all abilities to make rational decisions.
I realized I was fighting a losing battle with my emotions and accepted help from the medical field and the wonderful world of anti-depressants. They have helped. I can actually work now and that is a big deal since I will be totally responsible for taking care of myself now.
It's scary & I'm terrified! It won't be easy but I know I will make it. A co-worker told me yesterday:"You're and artist, recreate your life the way you want it to be...paint yourself a mental picture and strive to make it your reality!"
I like the sound of that. Hopefully I can live up to that!