My Sacred Energy

Too often we are scared, scared of what we might not be able to do, scared of what people might think if we tried, we let our fears stand in the way of our hopes. Why? There's really no time to be afraid. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Everything!” ~ unknown

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Home for Now... but never the same again

He canceled the order of protection and has allowed me to return to the house...but how can I stay here? He's not only broken my heart but my spirit has been destroyed as well. I fear that at any given given moment he will change his mind and have me arrested. There is no trust.... I walk on pins and needles. I fear that he will totally lose it and hurt me. And yet I still love him and it hurts to be around him knowing that he isn't mine any longer and I can't even touch him or kiss him or tell him I love him. 
I cry myself to  sleep every night.... alone in my bed. Hearing him sleep in the other room. I take pills to sleep but they no longer work.... I spend my night watching the clock till 3 or 4 in the morning before finally falling asleep. Some night I don't sleep at all and I'm awake when the alarms go off. This morning I pretended to be asleep until after he had left and then I got up.  I went back to bed at 8am and slept for about an hour and a half. Tomorrow I go to the doctor to see if they can give me something else and to see if he will put me on medical leave so I don't lose my job. Then maybe I'll go and stay with one of my kids for awhile.
I hate the thought of leaving my home... I love it and want to stay as long as I can. Everything I love and hold dear is being torn away and I can't stand it anymore.

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